Silent Confession

Ch.11 – If I accept that you’re leaving

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PUBLISHED ON 5 June 2022

After that Xin Yi’s whole body became stiff, Qi Fang still noticed something wrong no matter how silly he was, so he carefully poked Xin Yi, and nervously asked him, “Little kid, did I say something wrong again?” 

Xin Yi’s eyelashes fluttered, “No…”

“I will help you.” He said in a trance, “Zhou MuHui is easy to talk to.”

Qi Fang secretly let out a sigh of relief, and sat next to him petting the cat, “It depends on people, anyway he had never said anything to us.”

The words he threw out haven’t gotten a reply after a long moment, Qi Fang turned around in wonder, and saw that he was sitting there lost in his thoughts, for a moment he felt a bit panicked, he was afraid that just now he really said something he shouldn’t have said. 

“Little kid, are you worried about brother Zhou.”

Qi Fang guessed blindly and thought that he felt distressed because of Zhou MuHui’s drinking.

The more he thought about it, the more he thought he was right, he hastily sat up straight to explain to Xin Yi.

“He just drank very fiercely when he first came to the company, there’s no other solution, he was still a newbie at that time, if he doesn’t try hard a bit how can he stand out among others.” 

Xin Yi came out of his emotional state, looked at him dull-witted and foolishly, and said after half a day, “He never told me…” 

At that time, he only thought that the man was very busy, and had to do work he hadn’t finished dealing with, he also returned very late, often coming back home only after Xin Yi had been asleep for a long time, and when Xin Yi woke up, he had already left early.

Or sometimes he got so busy that he couldn’t come back for days. 

He thought that he was really too much, it seemed like he never really paid attention to Zhou MuHui, or even… even to the extent that he thought that Zhou MuHui paid more attention to his work than to him. 

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“If it was me, I wouldn’t say it either.” Qi Fang comforted him, “Isn’t it because he was afraid that you’d be worried, little kid, it’s like this once you’ve entered society.” 

Opportunities are never offered to someone without any reason.

“Moreover, you also know he is more special than other people, he definitely needs to exert his utmost strength, so he can break away from the influence of the past, this is something that can’t be helped.”

The cat that was on the sofa got up, wobbled his way, and laid in Xin Yi’s arms, licking Xin Yi’s finger and then slightly biting it, Xin Yi felt pain but did not move.

“I know…”

He pursed his lips, he whispered.

Most of the time, Xin Yi understands that it is necessary, Zhou MuHui had to be more hardworking and exert his utmost strength compared to other people, everybody can understand that principle, but Xin Yi was still reluctant.

 Those countless nights Zhou MuHui couldn’t come back home, he was putting up with it.
It was on the narrow couch in the office, or in the empty hospital, was he hurt, did he also need Xin Yi, just like the way Xin Yi needed him.

But Xin Yi was too stupid, he never sought deeply about his difficulties, he only knew to wait for him obediently every day. 

Thus, during Zhou MuHui’s difficult days, Xin Yi did not even stay by his side.

“He is good, he is very… very…”

Xin Yi held the cat tight in his arms, and lowered his head deeply.

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He didn’t continue to speak, because he was submerged with remorse and regret, the turmoil in his heart gave way to him, but Xin Yi couldn’t say a single thing.

“……”

“I shouldn’t have said anything!”

Qi Fang was upset, and called him, “Don’t be sad anymore.”

He made one wrong move that made all moves wrong, pulling on the hem of Xin Yi’s clothes, having trouble begging him, “Little kid, little ancestor, don’t ever cry, or else brother Zhou will hit me to death.”

“It’s all the past.”

He held himself back to the point his whole face was red, and in the end, comforted Xin Yi in a dry manner.

The cat on Xin Yi’s legs seemed to have noticed his upset, and kept rubbing himself against him in his arms, Xin Yi sniffled at an angle others couldn’t see him, and secretly shed a tear for Zhou MuHui.  

“Oh.”

He buried his face in the cat’s arms, and used his soft fur to cover and wipe off the tear on his face, then lifted his head.

“Didn’t cry, don’t be afraid.”

Xin Yi smiled at  him, “I was just sad, it’s nothing.”

The hand he hid underneath the cat was clenched up, the short nails that were pressing against his palm hurt a little, but Xin Yi didn’t want to unclench it. 

Qi Fang, that person was a bit careless, as long as the other person said they were fine, he would really think that they were fine.

“You made me almost want to run away.” Qi Fang let out a breath of relief, and said while looking at him, “I for sure don’t want brother Zhou to take revenge on me, I still hope that in the future I can find him to help me.”

Their banners have fallen on the ground, Qi Fang sighed, and bent down to pick them up.

“There, take it, do you want me to sign it?”

He was cleaning on one hand and saying on the other hand, “So many, where did you get them.”

Xin Yi, with his back facing him, nodded, and went to the study room to take a pen, concealing his sadness.

“Bought them from scalpers.” He said.

In order to sneak in to take a few glances, or even, not able to see Zhou MuHui at all. 

  “You passer-by a fan, you even dare to use me as a tool man.”

Qi Fang let out another sigh, took the pen that Xin Yi handed him, and pulled a sad face.

“You are chasing brother Zhou, and only chasing me in passing.”

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He didn’t even finish signing them all, Zhou MuHui has already returned home.

The sound of the electronic code door lock was crisp, Xin Yi lifted his head distractedly, and before Qi Fang had even reacted, he pulled on his sleeves.

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“Don’t tell him.”

When Zhou MuHui came back, he looked like he was punished by standing, standing next to the sofa without moving, Qi Fang was sitting on the sofa holding the banners and signing them, and the cat on the floor was wobbling his way toward Zhou MuHui, and dragged him by the hem of his pants toward Xin Yi. 

“… what’s wrong?”

Zhou MuHui’s brow furrowed and he took a first glance at Qi Fang.

Qi Fang kept silent and signed, and didn’t notice the approaching danger.

“What what’s wrong, nothing…”

He lifted his head, and abruptly swallowed on emptiness.

Zhou MuHui’s glare was too scary as if it was about to freeze him to death.

Qi Fang hurriedly shrank toward the back, and looked at Xin Yi.

Xin Yi was standing still there, looking the same way he did before when he came out and saw him, besides the fact that he stupidly said two sentences that made him sad…

But Xin Yi did not even cry ah?

“…Nothing.”

Qi Fang said while quivering, and did not dare to admit what he did wrong just then.

Xin Yi didn’t know that Zhou MuHui would be so sharp, he hastily nodded, and went to pull Zhou MuHui’s hand.

“Nothing nothing, I just woke up, I’m still a bit muddled head.

Every time Xin Yi got up, he always need a moment before being wide awake, Zhou MuHui knew that habit of his, the man frowned, his glare still didn’t left Qi Fang, Qi Fang shivered, and hurriedly used his eyes to ask Xin Yi for help.

“You bought a lot.”

Xin Yi received his signal, rubbing his eyes, and faking a yawn, carefully hiding his sadness, and did not dare to let Zhou MuHui notice.

“Let’s do it together, I’m very hungry.”

Xin Yi stood before Qi Fang, and pulled Zhou MuHui into the kitchen.

He was afraid that Qi Fang couldn’t stand the agitation and would confess, he didn’t want Zhou MuHui to know that he already knew all those things.

Whether it was the fact that Zhou MuHui wanted to leave, or what he hid from him before.

Zhou MuHui only let out a sound in agreement after a long while, his eyes seemed to take a glimpse at the things between Qi Fang’s arms, and pursed his lips without expression.

Xin Yi doesn’t know how to cook, he could act as an assistant to help Zhou MuHui, but he got nothing to do after the vegetables were washed, Zhou MuHui told him to go out, but he wasn’t willing.

“I’ll accompany you.”

He stood beside the sink and said, “Qi Fang wouldn’t mind it.”

Although leaving Qi Fang alone in the living room was not good, Xin Yi didn’t want to leave.

Hence, Zhou MuHui did not say anything else, and only fed Xin Yi a piece of spare ribs, to quench his cravings.

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“Still hungry or not?”

Zhou MuHui wiped clean his hand, and stretched it open next to his mouth.

Xin Yi vaguely shook his head, and spit out the whole bone, and said, “Too hungry.”

He didn’t really eat for the whole day, he just broke his fever, and basically only drank porridge during the whole week, so no matter he wasn’t full no matter what he ate.

Zhou MuHui’s eyes carried a smile, and knew that he was complaining to him that he only got to drink porridge during those last days.

  “Won’t be drinking porridge today.”

He coaxed Xin Yi, even his tone was softer.

Xin Yi looked at him without turning away, and nodded obediently, but went to cause trouble when Zhou MuHui was washing his hands, and stretched a hand to pull him.

“… Xin Yi.”

Zhou MuHui was helpless, and looked at the hand under the faucet that was causing trouble.

“Zhou MuHui.”

Xin Yi called him in a whisper, his fingers were scratching his palm, quietly pasting it against it, intertwining their ten fingers. 

Zhou MuHui let out a hum, and asked, “What?”

They were quietly intertwined under the water, Xin Yi’s soft fingertips crossed over the back of Zhou muHui’s hand.

He actually wanted to say a lot, he wanted to ask Zhou MuHui you really want to give your resignation? Before on the nights when you said that you had something to do and didn’t come back, was it because you couldn’t come back, and what Qi Fang said… You only entered this industry because you wanted to pay off your debt, and it’s because you are lacking money that you are going all out… is all of this true. 

If…

If you are really working for this reason, resign.

Then was it earlier than that…that you have already decided to divorce me…

Then after everything was done, to throw me away.

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Xin Yi maintained this posture and didn’t move, till Zhou MuHui called him again, and he returned to his senses.

“No.” He said in a small voice, “it’s just…”

“I want to get well a bit slower.”

Xin Yi leaned over and looked at Zhou MuHui with a soft look.

If that could be counted as bare my bosom, then I hope that I would have the courage to ask you before, before I prepare myself for you leaving, can you always stay with me.

Zhou MuHui understood, he was stunned and looked at Xin Yi’s moist eyes, and said in a low voice, “Cannot.”

“It’s not good to be sick.”

Xin Yi actually doesn’t want to be sick, but he didn’t explain, thus he looked at Zhou MuHui, smiled, and nodded.

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“Alright, I was just saying.”

He took his hand back, but Zhou MuHui didn’t let go.

“Xiao Yi, I——”

The voice came to an abrupt end, Zhou MuHui lowered his head.

Xin Yi’s palm was stretched open by him, and the man’s rough finger pulps rubbed Xin Yi’s palm little by little, Xin Yi didn’t react, until Zhou MuHui stroked a certain place, and Xin Yi hissed, and his hand shrank backward by reflex.

“…”

“Don’t move.”

The air pressure around Zhou MuHui suddenly dropped, Xin Yi was stunned, and saw that his face suddenly sank, turned around to go out.

Outside Qi Fang was calling him, but the man seemed to not want to speak, only gave a curt hum, Xin Yi tardily blinked and looked at the wound in his palms that were soaked until mushy by the water, and slowly shut the faucet on the side.

Just then he clenched it too hard, he actually didn’t notice this whole time.

 

“The vegetables can’t be eaten anymore…”

When Zhou MuHui came back, Xin Yi said in a whisper. 

The man didn’t say a word, his fingers pressed around the wound and helped him disinfect it.

“Sorry.”

Xin Yi lowered his head admitting his mistake, “It was I who didn’t pay…sss…”

Dealing with the wounds was very painful, Xin Yi shivered, but Zhou MuHui didn’t stop, and quickly applied the ointment on them for him.

He didn’t say anything during the whole process, Xin Yi was a bit anxious, and asked him, “Are you angry?”

“It’s actually not deep, it doesn’t really hurt.”

He pursed his lips after saying that, lowering his head.

Xin Yi felt that he did something wrong again, he obviously wanted to get along with Zhou MuHui a bit longer, to make up for the time he missed.

Even if Zhou MuHui maybe didn’t need him anymore.

“I’m not.”

Zhou MuHui returned to his senses, but his face didn’t look very good. 

He was just angry at himself that for half a day he didn’t even notice the wounds on Xin Yi’s hands.

Notes:

When Xin Yi said the vegetables couldn’t be eaten anymore I think he is referring to the fact that he washed them while having wounds on his hands thus making them dirty.
A lot of time the author isn’t very clear in the sentences, there’s a lot of ‘he and he’ and in the end I am not even sure who they are talking about… 

That chapter was really long… My pace is getting slower and slower.
I am very busy during the week and during the weekend I just want to relax.